At some point we all experience confusion, hurt and disappointment in our personal relationships. While there’s no way to prevent all discomfort, much of the pain we experience can be reduced significantly if we have greater balance in our relationships. This means we should try to hold emotions toward others that are fairly consistent with their feelings towards us. We should give precedence to them only to the extent they care for and prioritize us.
You may be thinking it’s difficult to control your feelings. You’re right. The first step to achieving greater balance isn’t about trying to control your emotions. It’s to begin controlling your actions. As you begin treating others the way you’re treated, over time your emotions will begin levelling up or down to match your behavior.
In order to make doing this simpler and more reliable, I’ve developed something called Circles of Intimacy. It’s an easy and effective method for discerning the depth of your feelings for the people in your life. It also offers you a general way to measure the extent of their feelings for you.
The Process of Relationship Balance: The Circles of Intimacy
In developing the Circles and making sure they’re applicable to a wide range of people, I had to consider what’s most likely to reveal underlying feelings. Words alone are inadequate. It’s why I called my book about abusive relationships But He Says He Loves Me (2007: Allen & Unwin Publishers; 2023: Ocean Reeve Publishing). Words count. Actions matter more, especially consistent actions.
I also wanted the make the Circles simple to use and reliable in identifying disparities.
Look at the Circles of Intimacy so you understand the depth of feeling associated with each concentric circle.
Take Test 1. Answer both quickly and honestly when you go through the four sets of ten questions, marking those that correspond to a “Yes” in your mind.
Take Test 2, marking those that match the actions of that person towards you.
After tallying your scores for each Test, plot them on the Circles.
Look to see how closely they match.
Some Points to Keep in Mind
Brace yourself. You have to be ready to face possibly skewed relationships, with significant emotional mismatches. Your power here comes from being informed; you aren’t obligated to do anything about what you discover. What’s great about this tool is that it doesn’t require input from anyone else, so the results are private.
If you haven’t really considered your relationships for a while, it may be time take the Tests. A lot changed over the past five years, with new and powerful stressors placed on many relationships.
No one is obligated to hold affection for you, regardless of their position in your family or the length of your friendship. Sounds harsh, but it’s true.
You’re also not obligated to care more for people than you genuinely feel. Don’t force yourself to place someone in a closer Circle because of their title or the affection you know they have for you.
The Circles are not intended for parent-child relationships. By design most of these relationships are skewed, with parents making greater emotional investments than their children.
Looking at the Circles of Intimacy
• Red = closest, most intimate others: spouse, your children
• Blue = closest family members, serious romantic partner, long-term friends who are like family
• Orange = extended family members, good friends
• Purple = people you like, e.g. work colleagues, your social network
• Pale blue = casual acquaintances
• White = relative strangers
The meaning of the Circles aren’t complicated. Most people are able to discern the difference in both emotions and expectations for those in various categories. Now let’s look at the Tests.
Test 1 – How You Feel about the Other Person
Take both Tests for one person at a time, being as frank as possible about what you feel and how they behave towards you. Don’t take the Tests when your emotions are high, either positively or negatively. That will distort the results. Wait until you’re calm enough to consider the questions without dread, wishful thinking, or hurt.
Test 1 Part I: 5 Points Each. Mark those questions that reflect your feelings or experience with the person you have in mind:
1. You’d freely make life changes (e.g. move somewhere else, change jobs) to meet their needs or maintain the relationship.
2. You trust them with your deepest secrets.
3. You’re committed to this relationship for life.
4. You don’t hesitate to make sacrifices including time, money, effort, other resources
5. You miss them when you’re separated even for a day.
6. They know you very well, including your strengths and weaknesses and little details about you.
7. If anything happened to them you feel you’d never be the same.
8. Your vacation/holiday plans include them.
9. When someone becomes important to you, you introduce them.
10. You sometimes place their needs before your own.
Subtotal for Part I: ___________
Test 1 Part II: 3 Points Each.
11. You think about them often, even if you don’t see them.
12. If you see something you think they'd like, you buy it or make a note to get it soon.
13. You don’t mind doing things for them, even if inconvenient.
14. You want them to contact you if they’re ever in need or in trouble – and of course you’ll help.
15. You’ll risk their anger to tell them what you believe they need to he
16. You know their faults and weaknesses and you still care.
17. You make a genuine effort to contact them often.
18. You put real time and energy into getting something special for holidays, their birthday, etc.
19. After you speak to or spend time with them you feel happy.
20. They're one of your first contacts when something bad happens to you.
Subtotal for Part II: ___________
Test 1 Part III: 2 Points Each.
21. They're one of your first contacts when something good happens to you.
22. When you spend time together, you feel relaxed.
23. You share most of the same fundamental values.
24. You believe this person is a positive influence in your life.
25. You feel comfortable asking for general advice.
26. When you've done something wrong, you'd be embarrassed if this person found out.
27. You feel both accepted and appreciated.
28. You often laugh together about everyday things.
29. You can just be together, not doing anything special, and you enjoy their company.
30. You can talk about serious subjects.
Subtotal for Part III: ___________
Test 1 Part IV: 1 Point Each.
31. Most of your interactions are pleasant.
32. You’ve known each other for at least a year, and still enjoy their company.
33. You frequently socialize together.
34. You’ve met their partner, and they’ve met yours.
35. You're able to talk easily about mutual interests.
36. You share very similar political or philosophical values.
37. You share similar life goals or ambitions.
38. You share the same beliefs about how others should be treated.
39. You share complaints about everyday things.
40. You know background details about this person: how much education they’ve completed, their work specialty, what area of town they live in.
Subtotal for Part IV: ___________
Total Score for Test 1: ___________
About Test 1
How did it go? Any surprises? I’ve found when I take the Test myself, I sometimes get results I hadn’t expected. I’ve also been told this by clients who’ve used the materials. When you’re calm and just quickly reflect on your emotions, you may encounter knowledge you haven’t bothered to consciously consider, or may even have tried to suppress.
Keep in mind as you go over these Tests, the only wrong answers are dishonest ones. I find it incredibly useful you can find out what’s occurring within your emotional life that doesn’t require conversations, revelations or confrontation with other people. This knowledge is for your own edification. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
We’re only halfway there, though. Now it’s time to do Test 2 for the same person. Here you’re basing their feelings for you on their actions and reactions.
Test 2 – How the Other Person Feels about You
The most reliable way to gauge someone’s feelings for you is their actions, not their words. I know many verbally skilled people with enormous charm. Yet, an objective look at their behavior tells a different story. I also recognize some people are tongue-tied when it comes to expressing their feelings. This same individual may be your “ride or die” family member or friend, with powerful connections to you and a willingness to sacrifice for your safety and happiness.
Test 2 Part I: 5 Points Each. Mark those questions that reflect your experience with the person you have in mind:
1. They've made life changes (e.g. moved somewhere else, changed jobs) to meet your needs or maintain the relationship.
2. They consult with you before making big decisions.
3. They notice if you need help and offer before you ask.
4. They regularly make sacrifices for you including time, money, effort, other resources
5. They contact you if you're separated even for a short while.
6. They share information about themselves even if it's private or embarrassing.
7. If anything happened to you, they've said they'd never be the same.
8. Their vacation/holiday plans always include you.
9. If you need something important, they'll put a lot of effort into helping you get it.
10. They sometimes place your needs before theirs.
Subtotal for Part I: ___________
Test 2 Part II: 3 Points Each.
11. They notice if you’re anxious/upset and try to cheer you up.
12. They defend you if anyone criticizes you. But they won’t hesitate to tell you something challenging (privately) if they believe you need to hear it.
13. They'll help you in a crisis without thought or hesitation.
14. They ask how you are and really listen to your answers.
15. They makes a big deal of your birthday and major holidays.
16. If this person does something that bothers you, and you say something about it, they’ll put real effort into not repeating it.
17. They contact you often: once a day if you live together or more than once a week if you don’t.
18. They prioritize spending time with you over time with others.
19. They spend a lot of time talking to you about what they want for their future.
20. They’re honest and open with you about what’s happening in their life.
Subtotal for Part II: ___________
Test 2 Part III: 2 Points Each.
21. You’re one of the first people they contact when something good happens.
22. They say they genuinely enjoy your company.
23. You have a similar sense of humor and sense of outrage.
24. They seek you out when they want to try new, fun things.
25. They seek your advice and often follow your suggestions.
26. They know and remember your food preferences/drink preferences or other little details about you.
27. When you go out in a group, they sit close or interact with you frequently.
28. They introduce you to people they admire and respect
29. They invite you to their work functions.
30. You’ve been to their house.
Subtotal for Part III: ___________
Test 2 Part IV: 1 Point Each.
31. When they have a party or other social event, you’re always invited.
32. When you meet their other friends, they say they’ve heard about you.
33. You share similar political beliefs and support similar causes.
34. This person seems glad to see you.
35. They don’t only contact you when they want something.
36. When you and this person have plans, they rarely cancel at the last minute unless it’s an emergency.
37. They sometimes say, “I thought about you when I saw/heard this.”
38. If you invite them to something they’ll make an effort to come.
39. They’ll be one of your sponsors when you do charitable fundraising.
40. If you find a new cause or side hustle, they’ll listen or look at what you’re selling.
Subtotal for Part IV: ___________
Total Score for Test 2: ___________
Tally Up Your Scores and Place Them In the Circles
Now that you have the scores for both Tests, figure out where you’d place the other person, and where they’d place you. Use the general guide below, recognizing the more distance between your scores, the greater the disparity between your feelings for each other. After you do this, let’s discuss what can be done about emotional mismatches:
Many of us have at least one relationship with an emotional mismatch. It’s not the end of the world. It is worth noting how it impacts you.
Whenever you have someone in a closer Circle than they hold you, you’re likely to feel uncomfortable. If there’s more than one Circle of difference, you’ll probably feel taken for granted, insecure and unhappy. If you do a lot for that person, you’ll eventually feel misused. You may be unwilling to level the playing field because you’re worried the other person will disappear entirely if you don’t accept the mismatched relationship. If you’re willing to put up with it, that’s your choice. But now you know. It gives you important information to consider.
Whenever someone holds you in a closer Circle than you have them, you may feel uncomfortable with their expectations and demands. If all or most of your relationships are like this, you may feel callous and uncaring. Or not. If you don’t feel uncomfortable – if you enjoy having others care more for you, your outlook is unhealthy.
Conclusion: Dealing with the Results of the Circles of Intimacy
If you don’t want to feel taken advantage of and mistreated, don’t continue prioritizing those who don’t hold you in high regard. Don’t go out of your way to make them happy. Resist the urge to rescue or assist them. Protect yourself until your emotions begin to reduce. Find someone who’s more willing to return your feelings and make you a priority.
There’s a way to maintain personal integrity if someone has you in a closer Circle than you hold them; don’t ask for or accept anything from them you wouldn’t offer in return. You may be tempted in certain circumstances, knowing they’re doing it out of fondness for you. Don’t. If you do, you may be guilty of using them. They may also try to use their efforts as leverage to try to get a closer relationship than you’re comfortable offering.
Remember, your goal is to achieve balance: you want close matches between your Circles. Ideally, everyone should have you in the same place you hold them. This is especially important for your closest Circles, less so as you move further out.
Good luck and please keep me posted.
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