I’ve spent a lot of time in my career helping women lose their attachment to destructive men. In my new book, Fascination with the Devil: Why Women Love Emotionally Dangerous Men, we go over the stops to do this in detail. I even finish the book with realistic tips to help women lose their attraction to the kind of men who break their hearts.
Reading the book, you’ll learn how cultural norms teach women that bad men can be transformed by a good woman. If you believe it, you’ll probably reinforce this myth in your own mind. You’ll continue telling yourself and everyone else that wanting hurtful men is just how you love. In your heart, you’ll expect to be able to change him no matter how broken he is or how destructive.
That common love myth is a complete deception. It’s pushed generations of women into an abyss of endless heartache. If you’re smart, you’re ready to move past those limiting beliefs and behaviors. But to what kind of man?
You need a clear idea because nature abhors a vacuum. It’s not fair to teach you how to stay away from bad guys without giving you a clear, realistic path towards the kind of man who should take his place.
If you’re looking for a lasting, passionate relationship with a man you can respect, love and trust, then you want a True Alpha Male. Let’s be clear what I mean by this.
An Alpha Male
Most people realize the term ‘alpha’ describes someone at the top, the pinnacle, the best. I began studying them years ago because I wanted to identify the category of men who are the most desirable and the least risky life partners for women.
Please don’t rely on Google to find information on these guys. I actually looked to see what it says about alpha males. First up is advice that Alpha Males love to be listened to and praised, and want a woman with an impressive fashion sense.
True Alpha Males are the optimal males. They’re capable, confident, and natural leaders. They’re self-reliant enough not to need excessive compliments or batting eyelashes. Most aren’t superficial enough to care about your fashion sense, especially if it means it takes you two hours to get dressed and you won’t go anywhere without a thick layer of makeup. Google definitely has this wrong.
Not All Created Equal
I’ll admit there are two types of Alpha Males.
There’s a type of male I label the Alpha Imitator. This is the kind of guy who’s very determined, confident, and is often very accomplished. He’s not shy and speaks his mind. Other guys look up to him because he commands attention. He stands his ground and can be protective of what he believes and those he supports.
The Alpha Imitator is also arrogant and willing to exploit others to get what he wants. He’s usually promiscuous and views women as objects to serve and please him. His flexible moral code doesn’t just show up in his sex life, where conquest of a range of partners is his way of proving his virility to other men. These guys often cut corners in business and will do whatever they can get away with if they can see a possible profit.
The Alpha Imitator wants a partner who’s a trophy and whom he dominates completely. So your fashion sense and ability to do professional-level makeup probably would be a requirement here. He would also expect to be treated with constant praise if not outright awe. He’d see it as his due. Also evident would be a sense of ownership of his female sex partners and their acceptance of his moral double standard. That misogyny you may have feared when I mentioned ‘masculine’ earlier is a fixed component of the Alpha Imitator.
My work in Fascination with the Devil isn’t designed to lead you to an Alpha Imitator. In fact, a good portion of the book covers men who constantly cheat – including Alpha Imitators. A man who cheats on his wife and partner will also swindle and deceive in other areas of his life. These are the kinds of emotionally dangerous men you need to steer clear of at all costs, no matter how charming they may be or what sort of bribes they offer for your attention. Their ultra-selfishness and lack of personal accountability will always turn against you.
As for sexuality, an Alpha Imitator will not only be disloyal, he probably won’t even hide his infidelity. He’d expect you to accept it in return for the status of being his partner. I don’t care who you are, you can do better.
A True Alpha Male is an honorable man who bonds strongly with his partner. He’s careful in his choice because once he commits he’s all in. Some of the advice I give, the part that seems a little conservative, is because I want you to be compatible with a True Alpha Male. If you need the ego stroke of being desired by multitudes of random men, if you dress to signal your sexual availability far and wide, you’ll make a True Alpha hesitate. He’s trustworthy and wants a woman he can trust in return.
Alphas in Relationships
While both the True Alpha and the Alpha Imitator are confident, masculine and highly capable, there are two traits that differentiate them like oil and water. Selfishness and personal integrity.
It doesn’t take long to figure out the Alpha Imitator is extremely selfish. He’ll do a lot, but only if he receives public acclaim and perhaps financial rewards for his efforts. His ego is huge and anything he does for others comes with an expectation of unending applause. He brags a lot, something a True Alpha doesn’t feel the need to do.
Imitators also have no personal integrity. An Imitator will follow the rules only if getting caught is likely and would be expensive. They won’t do anything that would interfere with their desire to expand their territory, their kingdom. They’ll break the rules, but always with a plan to avoid accountability if caught.
On the other hand, a True Alpha does what’s right and fair even if no one sees him. He thinks about the consequences of his actions. Unlike the Imitator, he has the ability to empathize with other people, and considers what life is like for others, including his partner. He’s highly protective of others, especially anyone vulnerable, even when no one is around to give him an award for protecting those in need.
I meet a lot of men in my work. A good number of them have been True Alphas (thank goodness). They have strong principles that stand behind, but I’ve not met one who’s a misogynist or who believes in bullying others because he doesn’t share their values. They have critical thinking, though, so they’re not as easy-going as Beta Males, who usually follow the crowd and support whatever’s on trend. A True Alpha Male will say no, tell you why, and won’t back down because his viewpoint is currently unpopular.
How to Attract a True Alpha Male
You probably expected was going to be a “but” somewhere. The issue here is that aTrue Alpha Male wants a partner who’s compatible. I mentioned in the last blog that I’ll be hosting online courses to teach how to attract and keep one of these men. True Alpha Males have high standards. If you try to get away with some of the things your toxic Ex accepted, you’ll lose him, or he just won’t commit to you.
True Alpha Males want women with boundaries, standards, confidence and competence. They don’t expect you to be skilled in the same ways as they are, and will appreciate the differences. Most are protective and want to do things for you. In return, they want a woman who isn’t afraid to be affectionate, supportive, nurturing. They’re seeking a partner who needs them and helps give them a sense of purpose without being clingy or desperate.
If that’s making you wince a little, I’m sorry about that. But men who are comfortable with their masculinity usually want women who are comfortable with their femininity. That doesn’t mean they’re looking for submissive women who just do whatever they’re told. They’d be bored by that and wouldn’t trust it. They want a woman with a mind of her own and things she’s passionate about and enjoys. They’ll treat their woman with respect and will demand she respect them, as well.
If that still bugs you, think about the whole package and consider the alternatives. And here’s another little point. A True Alpha Male will appeal to you on a primal level. When you meet one, he may not even be your type. He certainly won’t match the emotionally dangerous man you left behind. But your hormones and pheromones will start singing. This is the kind of man worth keeping.